Hi, I have borderline personality disorder and this is I think a factor in the problem I am about to disclose.

I will try and be honest but will keep certain things vague as I outline the issue.

I have been married for 7 years and with my husband for 13 years, about two years ago I left my husband and moved into a flat, the reason I left was because I found myself in love with another man. I started seeing this other man but remained in contact with my husband as I wanted our split to be as easy as it could be for him. The other bloke left me and has moved over 200 miles away. I felt absolutely devastated by this, I had nothing and no-one. I know that I deserve this. Anyway I ended up i n a mental health hospital for a weeks on and off for about 4 months. Needless to say I lost my job, as the place I moved into was rented I quickly found myself homeless. Again yes I realise I deserve this for hurting my husband so badly.

My husband is an amazing person and come and collected me from my last hospital stay and has put a roof over my head and helped me get a job. I am now living with y husband and I know that he thinks everything is 'back to normal' for us. The trouble is I don't feel the same about it as he does. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have in the past. I don't want to put him through the same pain as I did two years ago. I am finding it harder and harder to keep up the act of being happy. I feel like I have no privacy, for example a few hours ago I was looking at properties to rent in the area, my husband walked up behind me and saw what was on my laptop. Cue a hour or so of me saying how sorry I am, how I feel terrible about everything and him getting upset.

I know I am not the victim and believe me I am not looking for sympathy but I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I should stay and just get on with it. I made my bed etc etc but the unhappiness overwhelms me at time.